


The Only Difference Between Science and Screwing Around

by Sleepyhollow_101



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bruce Wayne Likes Spreadsheets, Crack, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26159464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepyhollow_101/pseuds/Sleepyhollow_101
Summary: ...is writing it down.Bruce likes to measure things. He likes to categorize them, test them, analyze them, understand them. It's kind of his thing.Clark really should have expected this.
Relationships: Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 4
Kudos: 149





	The Only Difference Between Science and Screwing Around

“You can’t be serious.”

“Can’t I?”

Clark is standing beside the couch in the study, his disbelief palpable. Bruce is opening Excel on his laptop and trying in vain to hide his amusement.

“Bruce, I know you have an obsessive need to measure _everything,_ but this… this is ridiculous!”

“On the contrary, this is just the type of thing that should be measured. Considering how often it happens, having some data available helps me know what to expect.”

“Are you opening it right now?” Clark sat next to Bruce to stare at the spreadsheet open in front of him.

It's labeled: _Kidnapping Attempts – BW._

“There’s over a hundred entries!”

“When you’re the highest-profile billionaire in Gotham, things happen. It would be more surprising if I _hadn’t_ been kidnapped a hundred times.”

“There’s… so many categories on this spreadsheet. Do you have them all sorted by abductor?!”

“Naturally. Did you know that the vast majority of my kidnapping attempts aren’t carried out by Gotham’s high-profile villains? In fact, the only villain who has really kidnapped me a substantial number of times is Freeze. I don’t know why he bothers when I’ve provided him more funding for his lab on multiple occasions, it’s not like he needs the ruse.”

“You have all of these timed. Down to the second.”

“Where possible.”

“And… hang on, what are these categories supposed to mean? Shirt, pants, tie, shoes…”

“Ah. That would indicate whether or not an item of clothing was removed during the attempt.”

“They… take off your clothes?!”

“On occasion.”

“But… why?!”

“Any number of reasons. Usually to embarrass me or make me feel vulnerable. Sometimes because it’s the easiest way to search me and make sure I don’t have a panic button or tracker. I do, of course, not that they’d find it that way. Actually, I have the reasons for clothing removal tracked too, a few columns down…”

Clark snatches the laptop from Bruce and speed-reads the spreadsheet in its entirety. He stops on entry #66.

“Every clothing item is checked off for this one.”

“Yes.”

“That means…”

He waits for Bruce to fill in the blank, but Bruce, patently, remains silent, eyebrow raised. Clark gathers the courage to finish his sentence. “That means they took off all your clothes? But… why?!”

“They were _very_ convinced I was hiding a tracker. And wanted to take some pictures for blackmail.” Clark stiffens, his shoulders going tense. “Don’t worry – they didn’t make it that far before I was rescued.”

“Who rescued you?”

Bruce looks a little uncomfortable for the first time during this conversation. He doesn’t look like he’s going to answer, but then, he doesn’t have to – _that’s_ tracked on the spreadsheet as well _because of course it is._

“ _Nightwing_ saved you?!” Clark sputters, trying to clamp down on his hysterical giggling and failing.

Bruce sighs. “Laugh it up. He’s never let me live it down. I couldn’t look him in the eye for a week.”

Clark loses it then, doubling over with gut-deep laughter as Bruce looks on in a strange mix of annoyance and fondness.

Finally, Clark puts the laptop on the coffee table and asks, “What would you have done if Nightwing _hadn’t_ come to save you?”

Bruce shrugs. “I would’ve figured something out.”

“Are you sure? I’m not convinced. Maybe you should practice.”

Bruce’s eyebrows jump nearly to his hairline. “Practice?”

“Sure. I’m sure you’ve got rope around here – I’ll be the captor and you’ll be you. Come on, let’s get these clothes off…”

Bruce laughs as Clark pulls him in for a kiss.

Some time later, after they’ve relocated to the bedroom and sated themselves, Clark thinks to ask a question that’s been nagging the back of his brain.

“Did they find the tracker?”

Bruce sits up, stretching as he looks down in mild confusion. “Who?”

“The kidnappers, when they took off all your clothes. Did they find your tracker?”

Bruce shakes his head, standing up and heading for the bathroom. “Of course not, Clark – the tracker’s not on my clothes.”

Clark waits a beat, processing that. “What- then where is it?!”

Bruce just laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> My second Superbat fic! In my previous fic, I started thinking that Bruce probably has a spreadsheet for every kidnapping attempt he's ever experienced. And since he's Gotham's playboy billionaire, that's gotta be a LOT of kidnapping attempts. This is what ensued.


End file.
